We all have our hang-ups. One of mine is insecurity, about a number of things. I remember being 20 and greatly concerned about the size of my ego, because I suddenly became aware of how much time I was spending feeling self-involved and introspective. Of course, ten years later I've come to realize that that's the way MOST people are. Most people are too worried about their own hang-ups to notice anyone else's.
One's own insecurity can result in a tendency to trash others to make themselves feel better. I've been guilty of it in the past, but I haven't spoken ill of anyone in a long time. It's a rotten byproduct of insecurity and I believe that one's actions and words go a long way in structuring their world. I loathe negativity and separate myself from it consciously. Sometimes it's felt like a technique of survival.
It's not very poetic for me to sit here and type about the moments during each day when I feel as though the world looks at me with disdain or contempt, but I feel as though I'm so rarely honest with myself in print these days. There's a quadrant in my brain that's obsessed with the idea that somewhere out there, people I have only a perfunctory relationship with think I'm worthless. That I shouldn't be taken seriously. That I'm an infantile person with insincere opinions, desires and goals. It burns away in that part of me and leaves a black spot.
I've always felt a need to make an impression on people. Sometimes I think that I should have gone into acting at a younger age, or thrown myself headlong into some sort of career as a performance artist. But I've never been able to match up the aesthetics of people who perform with my own tastes and perceptions. And maybe that's a GOOD thing, because it theoretically leaves me with an original take. But it also ostracizes me, on a certain level, and it makes me afraid to try.
I have, in the past, Googled the phrase "proving people wrong". That part of me that thinks that people view me with contempt also thinks that I have an uphill battle in actively changing their opinions. I try to reconcile that thought process with the tendency that everyone has to marry themselves to their opinions as they get older. When does proving people wrong stop becoming important? One of the greatest sources of elation in the world is finding out that the idea I had of someone in my head was completely false. When I find out that I was wrong, so wrong about somebody. That they're so much better than I was willing to give them credit for.
What do you do when no one thinks you can do something? Do you find new people who are willing to give you a shot? I think I suffer from the delusion that the world is much, much smaller than it actually is. I feel like I'm living in a bubble all the time and that one day it's finally going to pop and I'll wonder why it took so long. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to try certain things. Yet there is so much I want to try, and so much I'm trying to try. I'm doing the best I can with my time and money and drive.
I'm going to Europe in a month, for a couple of weeks or so. Maybe that will jostle my sense of geography a bit.
3 comments:
i, for one, have always been very impressed with you, David. keep it up. if someone doesn't like how you do things or who you are, they're the twits. i find it hard to believe though.
Ah, thanks very much Amanda. This was just an active dumping out of darker ideas. Out with the bad, in with the good, so to speak. It's hard to live in an age as cynical as the one we live in from time to time, but it's best to not get bogged down in it.
I looked at the date wrong and thought you wrote this after I went to bed last night, thinking that Laura and I looking at pictures commenting on people's weight sparked the entry. I hope you don't see that as us trashing people. You know I am conscious about my weight and commenting on other people doesn't make me feel superior, etc. We were looking at them because the people themselves had brought it up a few nights ago. I understand and agree with you about a lot that you wrote here. I'm not trying to be defensive, at all.
In regards to your "proving people wrong" paragraph, I think you should look at it like this: people will always tell you that you can't do something or that something isn't within your means or they may throw you a look that holds these words within them. A lot of people take these instances and try to "prove these people wrong." You know why? Because they believe them. They believe that *it's possible* that they may not be able to do something or go somewhere, etc. You have to slowly train yourself to not be like that. You must take their words for what they are -- words. Because then it turns around into proving yourself wrong.
Like you said, people don't care about other people's hangups -- so why does everyone focus on proving people wrong? "People" don't care. So turn it around and prove *yourself* wrong. Do it for you. You will feel *so* much better in the long run because you can provide yourself with the satisfaction of knowing you've succeeded. If you're proving other people wrong, you're going to look to them for approval and recognition that you're succeeding, and you may not always get it. It's a much more positive outlook, I think. It's easy to get lost in the other thought process but even pulling yourself out of it time and time again will make you feel like you are capable of something.
Because you recognize these things, you can do them. You can do whatever you put your mind to. And I don't think this is selfish to say you must do it for yourself. Prove to yourself that you can do what you dream of. People will see this and will admire you for it.
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