I feel shitty today. Problems that I'm hoping to get past. A day to grab a blanket and watch The Wizard of Oz on the couch. And I've done that, so now there's the evening and night to pass. I'm meeting Kat at the diner at 7. We haven't hung out in forever.

Friendships aren't what they used to be. They change when you get older. You don't make friends as often, and the friendships you have are harder to take for granted. Andrea isn't simply my girlfriend; she's my best friend. I tell her everything, far more than I tell others, which even so must not seem like much at times. I don't feel as intensely as I used to. Sometimes I'm downright shocked at how zen I've become when I compare it to the agonizing phone calls and tears and cigarettes and shitty poetry and awful words that linger from five or six years ago. I don't meditate. I don't pray unless it's for other people. Sometimes I think about what's holding me together, and it's always the same answer: beauty, truth, art. You're born into the world, there's art, and then you pass away. That's my life philosophy.

I spent the last year and a half wondering if I'd ever make something again. Lately I have been. It's taken commitment (and not working a day job). I have words again. I have MUSIC again, really, for the first time since high school. And as much as it drives me crazy to carry around ideas in my head, I'm endlessly grateful that ideas are coming again, and that they're hanging around. When I lie in bed and stare out into space for an hour and feel myself completely absorbed in what a character is thinking and why they're acting the way they are and what they want me to say about them when I bring them to life, it's unlike anything I've ever felt before. I think to myself, "This is it. This is what it feels like to be a writer. I've been going about it in the wrong way all along." I've rediscovered the part of myself that is filled with life at 3:30 in the morning, with that outside-nature feeling, and I've been trying to fit it to my whole self like tailored clothing.

Maybe I do feel as intensely as I used to. Maybe I'm exactly the same in my chest compared to when I was 22. I'm just making different decisions, lending a greater amount of thought to where that energy flows. I've hurt people and I need to be more careful. Maybe in that respect I'll always be the same, for the rest of my life, and it will be up to me to keep making decisions to get to that next point where the words appear on the page and the chords change into each other and I'm still in love.

I'm working on the death philosophy.

This marks the 100th post on 2AM Traffic. Milestones!

I went to Sofa World and the salesman Mike sold me a couch for $452 after delivery, about exactly what I wanted to spend. It's green and should snuggle nicely into the space that remains in my living room. Should be here in under two weeks. I bought a drill, put up the blinds in my bedroom and put my kitchen table together. With a tablecloth on it, it should serve as a half decent spot to write. And eat occasionally, maybe. Everything's coming together. The bigger stuff is pretty much all taken care of.

Yesterday the high school mates and I got together to take Connolley out for the day before he gets married in a couple of weeks. We went mini golfing, had lunch at Gracie O'Malley's, went to Rideau Carleton Raceway to gamble, and then back to Connolley's for barbecue and Wii. It was a pretty fun time. I won a little over 60 bucks at slots and blackjack. Being the old men that we are, everyone was kind of tired around 1 AM when I left. But that's what 13 hours of partying will do.

I still like spending time with the lads, but we all seem to be settling into the types of people we'll be for the rest of our lives. Good news in some cases, not so great in others. I don't really even know if I can say that I'll stay the same person for the rest of my life. Obviously I'll change a lot. Experience will do that to you, and I've got a pretty open mind. But there are certain folks that anyone knows that will always be the way they are. I know some people who are like that, for better or worse, and it becomes more and more apparent the longer I know them.

Andrea and I went to the Pride parade this afternoon, which ran along Wellington and down Elgin for a bit to City Hall. I'd never been before. It was fun, of course. Lots of happy faces, people reveling in the freedom to be themselves. It must be a great feeling to be able to celebrate something that a lot of people try to make you ashamed of on a daily basis.

No more posts like yesterday. It was just anger that should probably have been directed elsewhere. A lot of the time I feel as though I already know the answers to the questions I'm constantly asking myself. I can't help thinking that this is a really significant time in my life, that decisions I make now are going to affect the kind of life I have for the foreseeable future. It's exciting and scary and infuriating and kind of disappointing all at once, but I'll get used to it.

I walked to Tim Hortons yesterday, about a 40 minute walk in total. It was the time of day when the setting sun turns everything gold and Appels + Oranjes by the Smashing Pumpkins sounds too true for words. I'm heading over to Andrea's now.

Started reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel. So far it's not what I was expecting, but I really do dig his style.

I shut down capitalsyn.com. I'm going to see the repercussions in little ways, because I've been storing images and such on that server. I managed to grab everything from the site and put it on my laptop, so it's there if I need it for anything.

I've been able to do things by myself over the last couple of days - dressing, showering, dishes. My goal is to actually get on a bus and go somewhere tomorrow. I need to get over to Andrea's. I hate to think that she's over there working all by herself.

I'm trying really, really hard to not feel sorry for myself, but I think not being able to go anywhere has made it difficult. Why in the world haven't any of my close friends asked me how I'm doing? Seriously? I get laid up for a week and nothing? What the hell is wrong with that picture? I'd like to think I'm pretty diplomatic and understanding over matters like this, but I just can't figure it. Is it because most people don't know? I haven't raised a big enough stink?

And look at Andrea. She had to move in this weekend with zero help. Nobody offered to lend a hand. She's having the most stressful weekend of her life and nobody seems to care. Where is the lapse? Did she ask for help too late? Is she choosing the wrong mode of communication?

When it comes down to it, I don't have day-to-day relationships with most people. Other than Andrea, I don't have a close friend who's more or less aware of how I'm doing. Is this the case with everyone? If you suffered an injury, who would be there by your side to help you out? Are you confident in what you consider your good friendships? Am I being totally unfair?

Well, last night certainly turned into a disaster. I feel like I'm creating lists in my head of people I want to associate with and people I'd prefer to never see again.

I'll say this: I like to give people a chance. I believe that everyone deserves a shot at being a good person. I try to be understanding when people fuck up. Everyone fucks up. But I can't tolerate it when I or the people I care about are disrespected. If you disrespect me or my girlfriend, you make the latter fucking list.

I'm not a shrink, or a counsellor, or a therapist. I'm not going to single-handedly put anyone's life on track. If a friend needs my ear or shoulder, I'll give it to them. But I'm simply not going to take it upon myself to reverse the damage anyone does to themselves. I'm no longer willing to associate with poisonous characters. I'm a loyal kid. I'm a trustworthy guy. You either appreciate that and reciprocate or I don't want to know you.

I don't think it's too much to ask for.

I picked up an Oxygen 61 USB MIDI controller at Steve's Music yesterday. It looks like this:


Matt came over and gave me a crash course in Reason, and I've been messing around with a bunch of the units since. I'm working on a song, just some straight ahead industrial stuff to give me an impression of how the program functions. Once I start making my way through the book I should be able to flesh out exactly what I want to do with it.

I had dinner with Andrea last night at Dunn's in the market, which is an area of town that's starting to make me nervous. I don't know if it's always been like that and I just don't remember what it was like, but there are some scary people walking around down there, getting into fights and harassing people for money. Ottawa has recently instituted beat cops to keep an eye on things around the general downtown area and I hope it has a positive effect on things. I'd hate to see the market turn into a cesspool.

Since I work nights and pretty much have the days to myself, I've been getting bored lately, sitting around doing relatively nothing. Andrea recommends that I set out tasks for myself, and I think I'm going to start doing that. When I spend too much time to myself not doing anything, I start thinking about why I never get to see people, what they're doing with their time that makes them satisfied, why they don't particularly enjoy hanging around with me. It's an old pattern of thinking that I haven't experienced in quite some time, and I don't want to slip back into it. I've been trying to remind myself not to give people a hard time about not wanting to go out and do certain things, to be more understanding and act as a positive force, but I need to be around people. It keeps me stimulated and feeling alive.