Missed a day. Oops. It's a weekend of drunken misbehaving in honour of the nation's birth. On Saturday night I hung out with a bunch of folks at Christine's place and went to 70's night at Barrymore's. Fun times. Yesterday Andrea and I had a (late) breakfast at Denny's and came back to my place to watch Talk Radio and The Ex. She went home to pack for her move today and I went to Mod Night, which kind of sucked. I hate long weekend crowds. It's not so much the fact that it's crowded but that people get drunk and act like jerks and fights break out and beer gets spilled and fun stops.

I've typically always enjoyed Mod Night. I even enjoy it when people tear it apart for being repetitive and ridiculous. Maybe it is, but it's always been a place where I could count on hanging out with friends. I know Ash kicks around those feelings too because occasionally she'll say that she "needs" a Mod Night, and I know exactly what she means. I've been going there for three years (eight months spent in Toronto aside) and I'm ready to admit that it's just never going to be the same. I've already made the decision to not go every week like I used to. It feels too much like going through the motions of an old life. You don't want to spend ALL your time being nostalgic. It's nice to know that there's a place that reminds you of old feelings and experiences and that it's still going to be there for you to revisit once in awhile, but it can't be as big a part of my life as it used to be. It's not who I am anymore.

Just some thoughts. I know it's just a club and they're just DJs and it's just the same old music. But when I go there it's entirely to soak up memories, and I don't want to live in the past.

Tonight some folks are coming over for drinks. Should be a nice contrast.

I'm updating at Andrea's, or what will be Andrea's place for a couple more days. I may as well spend some time saying goodbye to the room. Last night the girl and I went to see Without a Clue at Fringe, another of Natalie and Stewart's plays, and it was, of course, quite good. Afterwards we grabbed a couple of McFlurries and walked through the trash on Rideau Street to grab a bus.

I picked up a bus ticket to Toronto yesterday, two weeks in advance of when I'm leaving to save a bit of money. I'm slowly getting paid for my Senate work as there was a problem in the postal service that prevented me from receiving cheques. My boss emailed me back and let me know that he'd be happy to have me back in September and to go ahead and try for the graphic designer position, so I updated my CV, wrote a cover letter and emailed it off.

For the foreseeable future, I'm free. Should be a fun weekend what with Canada Day coming up.

Fucking balcony construction.

I'm done with the Senate until September, I'm just waiting to hear back about whether or not they're going to keep me on. I came across a posting for a graphic design position starting in the fall that I'd be perfect for, but it's bilingual imperative. I asked my boss if I should apply anyhow. Too bad he's not the one doing the hiring.

So, a little bit of freedom coming my way. I'm heading to Toronto in July for a week-long job position as a classroom assistant for a writer's workshop at Humber College. Matt's girlfriend Kim works for the college (I think) and hooked me up with it. I need to pick up a bus ticket today if I'm going to get it at the cheapest rate possible.

I can't think - or sleep - with all this racket.

Yesterday I messed around with Reason and watched Full Metal Jacket for the first time, which is amazing based on Lee Ermey's performance alone. Beyond that it looks great.

And now, a rant about integrity.

I'm going to try to start getting back into some reading again. Life gets to feeling like a constant battle to not let laziness overtake my interest in art. Lately, though, I've been feeling better about the course I'm on. Since the beginning of the year I've been trying to "correct" my artistic side. The bottom line is that I need to be an artist if I want to keep living. Certain kinds of interference have caused me to stray from expressing myself. First of all, I worry about being authentic and sincere. I don't want to look at art as a series of decisions I make based on the politics of a community. It compromises my integrity.

I look at that word "integrity" and even I want to roll my eyes at it. Something about it sounds pretentious and unbearable. There's a deep part of me that thinks that true artists, those who express themselves honestly, are humble about what they do. They don't view themselves as having integrity, they simply create because they have to. It comes as naturally as breathing, and they don't even recognize it as talent. They don't write blog entries analyzing their status as artists to death. It downright bothers me sometimes that I can't be a person like that. But maybe it's okay that I'm not. Maybe integrity is a positive thing to keep tabs on.

Let's look at the word integrity: "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty." Morality, ethics, honesty. Principles. What are my principles? Here's a brief manifesto: Art should cause chills in the spine. Art should offer something life-changing. Art should be fascinated by the concept of love. Art should come out of humanism yet have an affection for the ethereal. Art should be identifiable yet always unique. Art should change. Art should not look like shit thrown at a wall to see what sticks. Are these moral or ethical ideas? I think they're honest, anyway. I think believing in these principles will help me re-establish my integrity, if I had any to begin with.

I really do think I've solved why it's been so hard for me to create over the last year or so. At first I thought it was due to school, being busy, being away from a community, etc. But I think it's because I haven't been honest with myself. I'm getting better, though. I'm a bigger fan of music than I have been in years because I no longer concern myself with the reasons why I listen or don't listen to an artist. I won't listen to a song or buy a CD or go to a show because it will lend me some bullshit credit. Nor will I not listen to a song simply because I didn't discover it before anyone else. I'll listen to it because a part of me identifies with it on an important level, no matter how it enters my life. What's neat is that this point of view is helping me get back into writing music, slowly but surely. A year ago I wouldn't have been able to sit down and learn Reason (and I had the opportunity). I'm a bigger fan of music, and it's allowing me to create it.

The same goes with books. As I said, I'm trying to get back into reading. I spent a lot of the early part of the year reading for school and established a rhythm that I lost once I moved back to Ottawa. I tried reading Sartre's The Age of Reason, got halfway through and stopped because it's boring, and it doesn't bother me to admit that because I've proven to myself by now that I'm a stalwart reader. I'm also not used to reading books outside of the context of a classroom, so I don't have a guaranteed point of reference waiting for me on the other side of a text. I can't let experiences like this detract me from reading. I enjoy reading. Books have completely changed my outlook before and I want to read texts that will continue to do so. But that requires reading, and if I get bogged down the best thing to do is simply move on. Again, I have to encounter art from a more honest perspective and be prepared to abandon texts that I don't care for. Once I straighten this out I'm hoping I might find myself more inclined to write. We'll see.

Just some thoughts on art that I feel better for articulating. I'm still pondering the whole art show thing, but lately I've had no real interest in kick-starting the shows again, nor in going to any other shows for that matter. Right now I'm kind of tired of communities. I need to process my role in all that. The most important thing, though, is that I don't stop allowing art to change me as a person. The text, song, movie, painting, and photo is the thing. The rest is no longer something I'm concerned with.

The building has begun construction work on the balconies and I don't have drapes.

Yesterday Andrea and I went the see a matinee of The Incredible Hulk. I was distracted the entire time noticing Toronto landmarks. A lot of it was shot on the U of T campus and the final battle takes place on Yonge Street (which is supposed to be New York, giant "Sam the Record Man" storefront notwithstanding). Good movie though. Afterwards we had lunch at Denny's and discussed travel plans for next year.

I get a little nervous when I think about staying in one place or mode the rest of my life. There is always this far-off point I think I'll reach where I'll look back and regret not doing more with my time when I had the opportunity, like traveling around to see the world, or creating something worthwhile. I'd really like to make some sort of mark and ensure that I'm satisfied. There's always this nagging idea I have that I should put myself on some sort of "correct" course. It's the hardest thing I've probably ever had to combat, and all it does it make me feel afraid about aging. I'm getting better at shoving it into the corner, but it's going to take more to really become the person I want to be. I'm going to have to make more spontaneous choices and decisions that welcome fluidity into my life.

The thing is, how does one do this and still find stability in relationships, financial matters and family? I'm sure it's possible, I just have to train myself to realize how. The first step, I think, is letting go of the things I only THINK I want at some basic level of my subconscious so that I stop working towards them. The second is replacing these things with the truth.

Last night before bed I watched Unbreakable. Great movie. I wish Shyamalan had turned it into a series.

Andrea and I went to see Die Roten Punkte at the Fringe Festival last night. Highly recommended good times, especially if you're serenaded during the show like she was. The act consisted of a "brother/sister" combo a la the White Stripes, but with makeup that made them look like Smells Like Children-era Marilyn Manson followers. And they were German. I haven't seen a German musical-comedy act since the last Lederhosen Lucil show, so it filled a void. Excellent stuff.

We hung out with Mike and Emily afterwards at the Dom and the Brig. For some reason I'm still announcing the places I'm seeing for the first time since I moved back to Ottawa, as if my seeing them again is the most significant thing in the world. And it still strikes me as kind of neat to see these places again, places I spent a fair amount of time in before not seeing them for close to a year. They're special to me. But I've always been a pretty nostalgic person. Sometimes overly so. Not that there isn't much more to be seen.

RIP George Carlin. RUFUS!!



I picked up a slew of Radiohead EPs that were on sale at HMV yesterday, as well as the best-of DVD with most of their music videos (nothing from Kid A or Meeting People Is Easy, but still pretty damned extensive). I've been on a huge Radiohead kick lately while making a compilation CD for Andrea. She came over after finishing a paper last night and we slept.

Still waiting for news on that Toronto job.

All of my dreams last night were work related. I even woke up from a Rogers Video dream with the thought, "Fuck this, I'll just wake up and end this misery." I'm like Little Nemo the Dream Master. I'm like Tom Petty in the video for Running Down a Dream.

That's what I get for eating diner poutine before bed. I hung out at Kat's place last night with Patrick, Mariel, John and Simon. We watched The Wizard and cracked wise on it the entire time. It was a fun. A few of us grabbed dinner to wrap up the night.

I spent yesterday learning how to use the NN-19 sample player in Reason, figuring out how to write out chords in the sequencer and adjusting a piano sequence I wrote to loop correctly. I'm working my way through the book at about a chapter a day. I should have it wrapped up by the first week of July, and then I'll start composing. I won't be an expert by any means but at least by then I'll have used most of the program's components.

Today is my sister's birthday.

I don't use Internet forums, but there are a few I check out from time to time, specifically the Ain't It Cool News forum, the CNN political ticker comments, and the IMDB forums. I don't know why I look at these, because they always leave me feeling kind of depressed and angry about how bitter, uninformed and just generally stupid humanity can be. Deep down I know the Internet is an amazing opportunity for people in a democracy to voice their opinions, but lately it strikes me that the Internet is making all opinions worthless via oversaturation. It's like eating a chocolate sundae. Eating a little bit of one is great. But you don't want to eat one that weighs two hundred pounds, because after awhile it starts to taste like shit. Nobody cares about your opinion, and yet everyone cares.

Andrea and I went to see Get Smart last night, which was quite funny. Leaving the apartment, I was able to take in a few of the last remaining hours of spring as the sun was setting, tossing a radiant glow into the grass and the grey cement of a street that had spent the last couple of weeks undergoing a frequent pounding of rain. I normally wait until I'm on the bus to pop in the headphones, but I needed music to accompany the moment. I put on "Strawberry Swing" from the new Coldplay album and it was perfect. Later on I played the song for Andrea and she said it was "summery," so I think she understood.

Before bed I wrote a near-2,500 word essay. It's part of a gift I'm giving someone.

Yesterday I did as close to nothing as possible. I did hit the grocery store.

Sometimes I dread writing in this space because it feels too pressured. I don't want to get to the point where I HATE writing altogether. On that front, I still get ideas for narratives and plot elements, but even the thought of writing them down makes me feel... tired. As though it would be pointless.

On the bright side, I'm still really into the idea of making music. I've been using Reason everyday, exploring different areas. I made one resolution this summer, and it's to write and record a song. It's something I haven't done in years. I don't really know what I'm capable of anymore when it comes to music, and this program is going to help me figure it out (along with some sage advice from Mr. Matt Buttler, I'm sure).

This felt like a short week.

I'm off until next Friday, which is nice, because I won't have to deal with the erratic practice of snoozing from 10 PM - midnight, watching Conan, catching the bus at 1:42 AM at Smyth, working until 6 AM, and then arriving home at around 6:30 AM (or later) to sleep until 1 (or until just before the Daily Show airs at 2).

It just dawned on me that when you break it down, my life really just revolves around my TV.

Yesterday I messed around with the Subtractor synth in Reason and used it to make raygun sounds. Purchase of keyboard officially justified. Andrea and I went to the Kamp Fringe event and drank disgusting beer while grooving to samba music. Sweet.

I might be going to Toronto for a week in July on a classroom assistant gig at Humber. More on that soon.

I'm glad I got a few hours of sleep in before work yesterday, because I ended up working for seven and a half hours this morning. The French proofreader said it was a new record for a Senate sitting in the time that she's been there. They sat for ten hours with a one hour break yesterday, so there was no chance of meeting the deadline this morning. I was tired by the end, but hey, more money.

It sounds as though Andrea and I are attending a thing for Fringe volunteers tonight. Can't wait to see me some plays. I'm looking forward to the weekend.

I spent most of yesterday working with Reason when I wasn't sleeping, learning how to use the drum machine and the drum looper. I usually take a nap before work but I spent so much time in bed that I didn't think it was necessary. Once at work I didn't start proofreading until around 3 because the Senate sat late the day before. This looks like it might be the last week until the fall, though I haven't really heard official word yet.

This morning at 11 I signed the lease for the new place. Going through the list of agreements I kept shaking my head at the ones that Holly and I broke while living at the Flat. We were actually lucky to get out of that place without paying more money and getting zinged for violations. I suppose I'm looking at living at the new place as an opportunity to rebuild my credit in the world of realty. I should have the keys by the end of July.

Went to Mod Night last night and had a great time. Gaz gave me a copy of the new Fratellis CD for identifying Baba O'Riley by The Who. Played some X-Men vs. Street Fighter, drank some beer, danced my face off. I'm easy to please.

The Reason tutorials continue. In between episodes of Frasier and ear treatments (I've been having trouble hearing out of my left ear for some time, so I'm flushing the sucker out) I'm going to mess around with the drum machine today.

I'm switching condom brands. Sheik has struck out.

Last night I had a very vivid dream that Canada was bombed. Ottawa was laid to waste and I walked outside through the wreckage in a post-apocalyptic daze.

I got together with Jim, Adam, Connelley and Martin yesterday at the Royal Oak for a pint before heading out to the west end to play some Wii. Kathryn, Adam's wife, is extremely pregnant. Dorothy is still alive and kicking and bitchy. Martin and I grabbed the last 95 running, and when we got on the driver said they were sending a new bus from Lincoln Fields because someone had thrown up on the bus we were on. Lo and behold, the second bus never came, so Martin and I cabbed it from Carling and Woodroffe.

I messed around with Reason yesterday, using the drum loop unit and a couple of synthesizers. So far so good.

Jeff and Lynda served these amazing cupcakes in lieu of a wedding cake at their reception last week, and it's been leaving Andrea and I jonesing for some since, so we hit up Hartman's and put the ingredients together. So two firsts were accomplished yesterday: making cupcakes and using food colouring. Actually, three: Gwen make cosmopolitans, the drink championed by Sex and the City junkies, and I had two. To fully compromise my masculinity, they were delicious. Andrea and I spent the rest of the night in bed watching Dead Like Me.

It’s official. As of August 1st I'll have the keys to an apartment at 110 Gloucester. I woke up to a voicemail message saying that I just needed to come in and sign the lease. This will be the eighth apartment I've moved into in the last ten years, but for the first time I won't have a roommate. My very own place. One less huge thing to worry about. Having both places over August will allow a smoother transition when it comes to moving, too. I'm excited.

I met with Peter, Rachael, Kyrie, and... I'm going to say Joni on the St. Louis patio last evening to discuss show plans. Pete wants a two-night thing with Kyrie and a Montreal modernist poets tribute as headliners. Kyrie brought up holding it in a church, which is, I think, a fantastic idea. Just have to gauge how this is going to take shape.

I'm working four days next week, Tuesday through Friday, as the Senate winds down for the summer. I need to relax a bit.

Yesterday I viewed five places including a bachelor on Queen Elizabeth and a one bedroom on Gilmour. The first was too small. I wouldn't be happy in a bachelor. I need another room to go into, otherwise I'll feel like a trapped animal. Besides that, the place was $795 a month, and there are certainly cheaper one bedroom apartments out there. The building was nice - it had a rooftop terrace, a gym and it opened onto the Rideau Canal, but the apartment itself wasn't particularly to my liking. On the complete opposite extreme, the apartment on Gilmour was quite nice, but the building was sketchcore and the super didn't seem to much give a damn about my impression of the place. Nevertheless, I decided to go by the realty office to apply for it. They told me to bring in the first/last deposit and fill out an application once I had everything together.

While I was wandering around Centretown killing time between appointments, I spotted a realty office on Cooper that specializes in bachelor and one bedrooms. I decided to stop in on my way home. The woman who worked there was very friendly and took me around to a few apartments, most of them in a building on Gloucester, just around the corner from the Party Flat. She showed me a basement apartment in the building and it's right up my alley. $750 a month plus hydro. I went back today with the application and a last month deposit. I'm waiting for the credit/employment check to work out, but things are looking pretty positive.

The Senate is back full force this week and paying heed to the residential schools apology that Harper and other party leaders delivered yesterday. I'm told that tomorrow morning will be busy as the Senate is forming a Committee of the Whole to allow individuals from various native communities to appear and discuss what has transpired. It's kind of neat being a part of the process and knowing that Ash is in the same boat. A part of me has always considered politics a grown-up thing rather than something that the youth has a direct role in shaping and perpetuating. Working for the government has opened my eyes in that respect.

Last night I had dinner with Andrea at the diner. We discussed some plans about possibly touring through Europe next summer. We hit the mall and I picked up the new Filter album as well as the first season of Frasier. When I got home I bought tickets for Wicked, which I just found out is coming to Ottawa in a couple of months. Today I'm hooking up with Peter to talk about possibly throwing some sort of show or other together in August.

I've always been a very task oriented person. If I can't get something done it haunts me until I do. I went to see another CCOC property last night on Lisgar, and I dropped off an application today. This time they told me to fax them pay stubs. Since I just started the new job, I don't have any. Not only that, but the Senate didn't sit last week, so I only logged three hours - my next pay stub is going to be an ill-reflection of what I actually make. I know I shouldn't worry about that and concentrate on finding a place. This is the first time I've tried it by myself, so the burden is all mine. I feel like I won't be able to relax until I find out where I'm living come August/September. I hope it happens soon.

Andrea and I went to a volunteer meeting for the Fringe festival yesterday at Arts Court. I'm going to be helping with the tear-down and possibly the setup. There were lots of younger folks in the room willing to lend their services, which was good to see.

Jeff's wedding went smoothly despite the fact that it was a scorcher outside. Oddly, he and Linda had people over to their place once it was over instead of heading to some hotel room and boinking. It was fun to see the lads again. I've grown apart from most of them but it's nice that they still keep me in mind to invite to weddings and such.

Apartment-hunting is pretty much constantly on my mind and so being out of town kind of drives me a little crazy. It's been a busy weekend with the wedding and hanging out at my sister's place. Hopefully Andrea and I can take a breather and just stay at home tonight before we head back to Ottawa tomorrow morning. I do really enjoy pointing things out to her in the city and mentioning experiences as though they just happened yesterday instead of 10+ years ago.

I looked at a great place on Waverley last night, and dropped off an application this morning. I was told that someone had already applied for it, so I emailed the rental officer and told her I'd pay six months up front. Hopefully that might sway the decision. It's really exactly what I'm looking for.

My book on Reason finally arrived in the mail. Amazon is usually lickety-split with their packages and I found it odd that it hadn't yet been delivered, so I tracked the package and found out that it had actually been delivered on the 2nd. Oh well. It's on my shelf now.

Andrea came over and we watched Once. I thought it was nice, but I might have to give it a second look because it's certainly unconventional as a film.

I'm heading to Peterborough in a couple of hours to attend Jeff's wedding. I'll be gone until Monday.

Holy Fuck put on a great show last night. I picked up their LP.

It looks like I might be working on an event with some folks to be held at the end of August. More on that later.

I have an appointment to see another apartment tonight. It's down on Waverley. From the sounds of it, it's bigger than the one I saw yesterday.

I'm feeling kind of grumpy today.

I hate looking for apartments, simply because I want to get it over with as quickly as possible so that I can stop thinking about it and know where I'll be in three months time. However, at this stage, I'm going to be picky. I looked at a place on Elgin today - great location and a good price - but it was too small, cramped and not very well lit. I can do better. As much as I'd like to go with the first place I see, I want to be happy with where I'll be living for the next year. So the hunt continues.

Last night I finished my work in about 20 minutes and sat around until 5 before I finally went home. My boss just emailed me to let me know that the Senate is working out a bill and won't really be sitting until next Tuesday, so I shouldn't bother coming in. As much as I appreciate having the job, I'm really going to be looking for some stability soon. I hope I can turn it into something worthwhile.

I hung out with Kat, Patrick and John last night for a bit and had a really good time. And here's the kicker: I knew Simon had moved into Kat's building, so I texted him to find out what apartment he was in, and he eventually replied: he's in the place directly across the hall from Kat's. The two should build an additional wall in the hallway and just leave their places open.

I'm having coffee with Rachael at 6 and then going to see Holy Fuck at Barrymore's with Andrea.

I went over to Matt and Carly's last night for some pizza and beer. It was nice to sit around and talk and listen to some vinyls and watch a budgie make love to Matt's face.

I realize that yesterday's post was pretty intense, and I'm still angry. More than anything I hate to see the way drugs can fuck up a person. I want to leave that stuff behind, and if that means leaving the person behind, so be it. I feel bad about it.

Tomorrow morning I'm viewing a place on Elgin Street. The price and location are both really decent; hopefully the apartment is up to snuff.

Well, last night certainly turned into a disaster. I feel like I'm creating lists in my head of people I want to associate with and people I'd prefer to never see again.

I'll say this: I like to give people a chance. I believe that everyone deserves a shot at being a good person. I try to be understanding when people fuck up. Everyone fucks up. But I can't tolerate it when I or the people I care about are disrespected. If you disrespect me or my girlfriend, you make the latter fucking list.

I'm not a shrink, or a counsellor, or a therapist. I'm not going to single-handedly put anyone's life on track. If a friend needs my ear or shoulder, I'll give it to them. But I'm simply not going to take it upon myself to reverse the damage anyone does to themselves. I'm no longer willing to associate with poisonous characters. I'm a loyal kid. I'm a trustworthy guy. You either appreciate that and reciprocate or I don't want to know you.

I don't think it's too much to ask for.

I picked up an Oxygen 61 USB MIDI controller at Steve's Music yesterday. It looks like this:


Matt came over and gave me a crash course in Reason, and I've been messing around with a bunch of the units since. I'm working on a song, just some straight ahead industrial stuff to give me an impression of how the program functions. Once I start making my way through the book I should be able to flesh out exactly what I want to do with it.

I had dinner with Andrea last night at Dunn's in the market, which is an area of town that's starting to make me nervous. I don't know if it's always been like that and I just don't remember what it was like, but there are some scary people walking around down there, getting into fights and harassing people for money. Ottawa has recently instituted beat cops to keep an eye on things around the general downtown area and I hope it has a positive effect on things. I'd hate to see the market turn into a cesspool.

Since I work nights and pretty much have the days to myself, I've been getting bored lately, sitting around doing relatively nothing. Andrea recommends that I set out tasks for myself, and I think I'm going to start doing that. When I spend too much time to myself not doing anything, I start thinking about why I never get to see people, what they're doing with their time that makes them satisfied, why they don't particularly enjoy hanging around with me. It's an old pattern of thinking that I haven't experienced in quite some time, and I don't want to slip back into it. I've been trying to remind myself not to give people a hard time about not wanting to go out and do certain things, to be more understanding and act as a positive force, but I need to be around people. It keeps me stimulated and feeling alive.