2AM Traffic

Lately I've been getting the impression that the pool of friends I left in Ottawa has drifted into coupled units whose primary objective is now the practice of double dating. I don't think I've ever been on a double date. I have this idea in my head of the couples starting out talking freely in every which direction before the women settle off into some gossipy tete-a-tete while the men lean back and struggle to find conversation about prime fishing locales and recent Canadian Tire purchases. This all takes place in a pub with medium yellow lighting as tumblers and daiquiri glasses pile up modestly and suit coats curtain the backs of chairs. The evenings always, always end with the farewell, "We'll have to get together this weekend!," the last words spoken until the next midweek gathering when both couples can spare the time.

I've been back in Ottawa for a little over two weeks now and I think I've come to the conclusion that the difference (because there MUST be one) between the person I was when I left and the person I am now is fundamentally this: I am now someone more concerned with doing rather than with building expectation over what he does. The difference might sound kind of slight, and I may negate it entirely by even NOTICING it, but I think I've come back with less of an image of myself. Hopefully this will allow me to enjoy what I involve myself in that much more.

That said, the town is dredging up some old ways of thinking that I don't quite know how to deal with yet. I'm feeling as though slipping into old thought patterns might line me up for disappointment, so I'm trying to take every experience I have here as something entirely new. I'm trying to look at people as though I'm meeting them for the first time, trying to go places as though they are completely new to me. I think that's the best way to discover what I want out of life next.

I started reading The Age of Reason by Jean-Paul Sartre yesterday. In the first chapter his character Mathieu observes human beings as consciousnesses that interact with one another independent of speech and location - two consciousnesses can be alone in the night regardless of the geographical position of the minds that contain them as long as they are aware of one another. There's a lot of truth to that. The people who drive us to think and feel intensely exist as strongly as though they are in front of us, especially if we feel safe in the knowledge that they are thinking of us in return.